Anna's Story

All my life I've been training myself to become what other people would accept me as. I don't wear a mask, I transform myself. There was a point in my life where I was a social reject, and I wouldn't walk up to people and talk to them because I didn't think they would want to talk to me. I still get that fear sometimes, when I see people that just intimidate me. Anyone I come across daily and don't approach, its because I think I would bother them.

The only person I would depend on was myself. I wrote countless reminders, speeches intended for no one but me telling myself never to depend on others. Countless friends come to me for advice, and I occasionally open up to some of them when I need someone to talk to, but I constantly used to torture myself mentally so that others wouldn't have to deal with my problems. Is there a 'real me' down there somewhere? I honestly don't know.

However, my being screwed up isn't the message I want to leave. We live in a world where everyone believes that they are the true tortured soul. Today, this is my story, the impression I want to let you take and maybe imprint on yourself someday:

It's not a bad thing to trust other people, to trust yourself. Self-confidence isn't bad to some extent, but the term "I can do anything I put my mind to" is missing something. Society forgets that something when they send out that message: You and I are only human. If your faith and trust are in yourself or another person, and you are OK with that, ponder this- What are you going to do when the 'unbreakable' breaks? When your high ground is flooded in tears? What will you do when you or that person can't bear it anymore, when in some way or another they have to just let things slip and fall, and you find yourself with broken bones and bleeding?

I mean to break your illusion of safety. I can't imagine going back to living like that, after spending so much time being strong for no one other than myself. I've now let all the boulders I'd been holding up slide, and instead of crashing down and crushing me, I've finally let Someone catch them. No more oppression, of having to go and pick the all back up again, only to have it all return to my shoulders. Not only has the pile of rocks been lifted completely, all the dirt left over from countless times of falling has been washed clean. I can live with the knowledge that the path ahead of me has many rocks that will fall onto my pile, but none will ever have the ability to crush me.

Anyone and everyone's life can be like this. All you have to know is where, and Who, to place your trust in.

My Best Friend by Derek

This story was asked to me personally to be posted, my good friend Derek finally found to words to describe what he feels and wants the world to know.

If you truly know me you know I don't like to open up too often. Also, I choose my words wisely because some words have significant meaning to me. Such as 'I Love You', or a promise, and yes, 'Best Friend'. I am somewhat disgusted with the extent of which the terms are used now days. They have completely lost value. This past year I have used these three terms so little, that I remember exactly when and where I have said them. I haven’t told anyone down here I love them, except my mom. Twice. On the phone. I haven’t called anyone my Best Friend down here, except friends back home. I have made about 3 promises this whole year. I don’t throw words around.

But now I would be lying to you if I didn’t call someone special down here my ‘Best Friend’, or tell them I don’t love them.

It is only recently that I have learned I shouldn't be so afraid of moving on from my past, and deal with the present. That it is okay to use those terms, when you mean it. That it is okay to open yourself up. That it is okay to expose yourself. And only recently have I found out the truth behind one of my friends enough to do any of this with. The truth is so overwhelming it angers me because I look back and see what I have done to never deserve it. How I have overlooked the one person that has stood by my side this WHOLE year. I have taken advantage of their friendship and instead taken my anger out on them that has built up this year. I have ignored them, verbally abused them, despised them. I have betrayed them.

WHY?

Because I am so afraid of getting close to someone. They knowing the real Derek. I have tried replacing her, I have tried telling myself negative things about her so I would have an excuse to not be close to them. I have tried drifting from her, I have tried ruining our friendship, on purpose. I am so afraid of being hurt and walked away from, it has led me to do such things.

But yet I can't get rid of this woman. Maybe it's because she sees the best in me? Maybe it's because she sees my pain? Maybe it's because she doesn't know that I have really done all these things, on purpose? Only she knows. She is a mystery, that after I do all that, she is still standing by my side.

I admire her, for it is her who has broken down my walls that I have worked so hard to build up, who has penetrated the heart of mine that I have refused to show. Who has mesmerized me, astonished me, left me speechless and wanting more. Who has brought out human characteristics of me, though I may not always show them [as mentioned above]. I am no longer the bully of the school, the kid everyone cringes while walking by. The kid who you try to stay as far away as possible from. The kid that would push you for no reason, talk smack to your face and bring you to tears.

I am slowly being filled with compassion, kindness, happiness, smiles, patience, LOVE. She has kept me on my two feet this whole year. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. She is my rock, shelter, and refuge. She turns my frown upside down. She takes my breath away.

And not only is it her who has changed me, but it is her family as well. They accepted me as a son. I haven't felt the love and care of a family in YEARS. I love playing basketball with her sister. I love eating her moms lentil loaf. I love going to Kobe's with them. I love Maggie running to me when I walk in the door. I love wrapping my tiny frozen burritos in smoked mozzarella cheese. They have made me feel like a Greek. As if i was one of their own. I have spent more time with them this year than with my own family. I have become closer with them than my family.

Regardless, I fear I have discovered the impact she has had on my life too late. But I refuse to take ‘No’ as an answer, or to say goodbye. I have found out I am not as strong as I made myself believe I am. I have lost the war for my heart, all she has asked is to be loved back. I have found that I need her in my life. I have finally chosen to open myself up more. It’s okay to have a Best Friend, to care. She stole the title right out from under me, and I won’t have it any other way.

I want the days back when I would wake up to her texts, and talk the 9 hours until Cantabile. Then we would text for the hour of that class. Then we would still talk until she had to stop for dinner. And when she was done, we would talk on the phone for another 2-3 hours. When her mom was about to ground her she would finally get off the phone, only to whip out her iPod and we would talk until the early hours of the morning. Until she fell asleep on me, so the cycle could start all over. I fear i have lost these days.

Who is this woman? Who has had me revolving around her for the past 11 months. Who has extended her hand when i always needed, only so that i may slap it away as if she was reaching in the cookie jar before dinner. Who i have stepped on over and over again, until now. Who has created the same strength, if not stronger, friendship as my buds back home. What has taken 5 years with them, has taken her 11 months.


This woman is my Best Friend, Lauren Renee Greek, and I Love Her.

Anonymous

I regret not telling you about my depression when you asked about it.

Now I live my life fearing everything, instead of embracing all the opportunities that come my way.

Anonymous

Last night was one of the hardest times of my life. Ive been a strong Christan all my life and last night I gave that up for a second to much.

the whole day i was full of this unknown anger and rage, but i kept it inside until I was lying in my bed around 10:30 last night and I was overcome by evil, I felt jolting in my legs and arms and I knew I was possessed of a demon. The thing is, is that I knew evil was there but still didn't have the desire to get rid of it. I began kicking wholes in my wall and hurting those who tried to stop me. I didn't want to be touched by anyone or anything.

My mom was in my room with me the whole time even though i screamed at her to leave many times. She stayed there casting the demons out again and again. I was shaking and sweating. She put her hands on my legs and wouldn't let me kick. I persisted yelling and jolting at her. Because whatever was inside of me didn't want to have anything to do with God. My body soon began to grow tired and the evil one was dying in the sight of my mothers praying. But it still persisted , an hour passed and i slowing began to hear mom my speaking, she said "Give up" I wanted to, but the darkness i felt was too much.

My physical body grew tired eventually at 12am. I called out to God in the lowest place Ive ever been and said "Take over" It was out of my hands to try to fix everything, I new i needed God more than ever at that point. Tons and Tons of voices were still screaming in my head. I finally decided It was enough, i wasn't powerless anymore. I could change things if i wanted to. I was done flirting with evil. I "Gave up." and Let God control me.

I was still angry but I was under His control at that point, not the devils. after waking up this morning the devil made me feel guilty about the whole thing. how could I let satan take over!? I gave him too much power and that wasn't ok. I began to call out to God for forgiveness and to cleanse me completely. I wont ever let something like that happen again, Because I now know that I have power with God. And he always takes me back.I thank God for saving me. God Wins every time.

Anonymous Entry

I stare at a picture in the main room of my shelter, this picture is of a women i do not know, but she greatly sparks my curiosity it runs through my mind by the hour, and somehow i believe all my wants and desires this women could solve just by a hug...

I was raised in a place unsafe brought up to hide my true feelings , big girls dont cry he says as the tears stream down my cheeks... im now 16 and not one soul listens to my crys, i would cut but they only condemn and no matter how many people surround me i still feel alone and to tell u the truth my friend im not looking for your sympathy just to take the time to listen to my words... -anonymous-

This story comes from an unknown person.

So yesterday I was in the mall. It was just a regular day with my friends until he walked in. I instantly panicked. This is the man who, in just the time span of five seconds, crushed my heart, and now he was walking my direction! What was I going to do?

My friends didn't seem to notice him until I pointed him out, they instantly shielded me from his line of sight. We kept walking. I don't know if this was some crazy moment that was meant to happen or not, but after a year and a half of these panic attacks every time I see him, this made me realize something.

I have wasted so much time on the man who hurt a part of me I had never let anyone see. I can't do this anymore, it's too much. I am determined to get over this. No more panic attacks, no more hiding behind my friends to conceal the pain. I will move on, one way or another.