My Best Friend by Derek

This story was asked to me personally to be posted, my good friend Derek finally found to words to describe what he feels and wants the world to know.

If you truly know me you know I don't like to open up too often. Also, I choose my words wisely because some words have significant meaning to me. Such as 'I Love You', or a promise, and yes, 'Best Friend'. I am somewhat disgusted with the extent of which the terms are used now days. They have completely lost value. This past year I have used these three terms so little, that I remember exactly when and where I have said them. I haven’t told anyone down here I love them, except my mom. Twice. On the phone. I haven’t called anyone my Best Friend down here, except friends back home. I have made about 3 promises this whole year. I don’t throw words around.

But now I would be lying to you if I didn’t call someone special down here my ‘Best Friend’, or tell them I don’t love them.

It is only recently that I have learned I shouldn't be so afraid of moving on from my past, and deal with the present. That it is okay to use those terms, when you mean it. That it is okay to open yourself up. That it is okay to expose yourself. And only recently have I found out the truth behind one of my friends enough to do any of this with. The truth is so overwhelming it angers me because I look back and see what I have done to never deserve it. How I have overlooked the one person that has stood by my side this WHOLE year. I have taken advantage of their friendship and instead taken my anger out on them that has built up this year. I have ignored them, verbally abused them, despised them. I have betrayed them.

WHY?

Because I am so afraid of getting close to someone. They knowing the real Derek. I have tried replacing her, I have tried telling myself negative things about her so I would have an excuse to not be close to them. I have tried drifting from her, I have tried ruining our friendship, on purpose. I am so afraid of being hurt and walked away from, it has led me to do such things.

But yet I can't get rid of this woman. Maybe it's because she sees the best in me? Maybe it's because she sees my pain? Maybe it's because she doesn't know that I have really done all these things, on purpose? Only she knows. She is a mystery, that after I do all that, she is still standing by my side.

I admire her, for it is her who has broken down my walls that I have worked so hard to build up, who has penetrated the heart of mine that I have refused to show. Who has mesmerized me, astonished me, left me speechless and wanting more. Who has brought out human characteristics of me, though I may not always show them [as mentioned above]. I am no longer the bully of the school, the kid everyone cringes while walking by. The kid who you try to stay as far away as possible from. The kid that would push you for no reason, talk smack to your face and bring you to tears.

I am slowly being filled with compassion, kindness, happiness, smiles, patience, LOVE. She has kept me on my two feet this whole year. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. She is my rock, shelter, and refuge. She turns my frown upside down. She takes my breath away.

And not only is it her who has changed me, but it is her family as well. They accepted me as a son. I haven't felt the love and care of a family in YEARS. I love playing basketball with her sister. I love eating her moms lentil loaf. I love going to Kobe's with them. I love Maggie running to me when I walk in the door. I love wrapping my tiny frozen burritos in smoked mozzarella cheese. They have made me feel like a Greek. As if i was one of their own. I have spent more time with them this year than with my own family. I have become closer with them than my family.

Regardless, I fear I have discovered the impact she has had on my life too late. But I refuse to take ‘No’ as an answer, or to say goodbye. I have found out I am not as strong as I made myself believe I am. I have lost the war for my heart, all she has asked is to be loved back. I have found that I need her in my life. I have finally chosen to open myself up more. It’s okay to have a Best Friend, to care. She stole the title right out from under me, and I won’t have it any other way.

I want the days back when I would wake up to her texts, and talk the 9 hours until Cantabile. Then we would text for the hour of that class. Then we would still talk until she had to stop for dinner. And when she was done, we would talk on the phone for another 2-3 hours. When her mom was about to ground her she would finally get off the phone, only to whip out her iPod and we would talk until the early hours of the morning. Until she fell asleep on me, so the cycle could start all over. I fear i have lost these days.

Who is this woman? Who has had me revolving around her for the past 11 months. Who has extended her hand when i always needed, only so that i may slap it away as if she was reaching in the cookie jar before dinner. Who i have stepped on over and over again, until now. Who has created the same strength, if not stronger, friendship as my buds back home. What has taken 5 years with them, has taken her 11 months.


This woman is my Best Friend, Lauren Renee Greek, and I Love Her.

Anonymous

I regret not telling you about my depression when you asked about it.

Now I live my life fearing everything, instead of embracing all the opportunities that come my way.